Typically when I am in full-on rant mode, my column will start with a quote from someone, just as this one did. The difference with this particular quote is that it’s actually a James Norton original. For whatever reason, I tend to be more enlightened when I am making fun of someone for being a douche. If you know me, even a little bit, you know I have very little patience for a wide range of people in general and I tend to be more effusive as traits present themselves more clearly.
If you guessed that this would be one of those rants where I am attacking someone specific, you’d be right – only difference with this particular rant is that I am calling shenanigans on a number of people. These days I save up the disgust I have for people, places and situations and just let it all out in in a measured dose, instead of all at once or immediately when encountering the douchebag in his or her natural habitat. This tactic tends to create humorous situations later on, when recalling the doucheyness.
I probably don’t need to tell you that everyone on the Internet today (Facebook in particular) is a poet, a psychiatrist, mom or dad of the year, the Surgeon General or has wasted their lives working when they could have been the next best thing to either Louie CK or Guy Fieri. Or both. Come to think of it, Facebook should supplement their standard options of “Like” “Comment” or “Share” on someone’s posts to include “Idiot” “Moron” and “Douche” – well, that’s what I’d like to see.
Then you get the “passive aggressive” behavior types – you know, the ball-less wonders who wouldn’t dare to say to your face, what they type to you online with their commentary and criticism of everyone and everything. I’ve had plenty of those types in person and online – I think we all have. There’s an entire half-generation of passive aggressive behavior types – they lie with in between my generation and the “greatest generation” – I’m talking baby boomers, people – specifically, early-year baby boomers. Yeah that whole group of socially inept morons can all go jump in a lake together. Better yet, make that a quarry, it’s deeper.
Next are the posers. They will tell you about how wonderful their life is online, even though plenty of people know that they should have had their kids taken away years ago, they should be in rehab and they should definitely not be allowed to engage in any kind of sexual congress, period. They want to explain how they have found Jesus or the love of their life and meanwhile are the biggest whores this side of a Villens Gone Wild video. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fine if you have found Jesus, but, instead of preaching to everyone online, actually bring your ass to church every once in a while. It’s wonderful if you found the love of your life (I did), but then don’t be trying to screw everything with a pulse and a vagina. I gave that shit up when I met the love of my life – if anyone has to actually explain to you why your behavior is wrong, you need a 12 Step Program, stat.
I could go on and on and on, but quite frankly, I want to spread out the love I have for the assclowns of the world – and keep the hate mail we will receive from the high-horse zealots of the morally righteous and intellectually superior that will take horrific offense to what I’ve written. Not because I am right or wrong, but merely because I had the opportunity to put in print what you were really thinking all along. So keep up the good work on your end, if this rant applies to you, because you are a beacon of hope in an ocean filled with the meek and timid, treading water until the next bright idea comes your way. Kudos for you, jackass. #GMK