A Villens Guide to Driving in Somerville

By Arthur Moore

1. Double yellow line. This is where to make a U turn. Villens do this in multiple passes and in traffic hour.

2. No turn on red signs. Villens can make the right turn by slightly slowing down when making the turn.

3. Yellow light. Obvious villen thing to go faster.

4. Red light. For Villens it’s the 60 second rule. If you can make it to the other side in 60 seconds then you are safe to do so.

5. Stop signs. Villens carefully roll through these.

6. Rotaries. Anything goes for Villens.

7. One way streets. Villens can go up the opposite way but must do so at a higher rate of speed.

8. One way again. Villens can back up the street but go very fast.

9. Speed bumps. This is where Villens go three times the speed limit and at a light angle to the bump so as not to feel them unless you have a low car then you can’t do it the Villen way.

10. Plastic flex poles. Villens like to hit these at night to make that nice thumping sound that keeps people awake or annoys them.

11. Parking meters. Villens are prepared and carry a bag marked meter out of order with them.

12. Picking up people. Villens park in the middle of the street and wait for people regardless if there is parking or not.

13. Let’s not forget this famous Villen move by being on the left side to take a right turn and visa versa. Or being on the middle and making everyone guess.

14. Villens don’t use blinkers until they cross city lines to another city.

15. Villens like to toot their horn before the light turns green so the person in front gets to pave the way in case people run the red light.

16. Villens do not like having their cars rear ended. It makes them spill their coffee.

17. Villens red light is where you check your FB account.

18. Villens don’t like to be hit in the back when at a red light doing there makeup.

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